The Unauthorized Autobiography of a Professional Procrastinator

The Procrastinator’s Point originated with a column in a college newspaper and is currently a self-published free blog account.  The Procrastinator’s Point V2. officially began in July of 2011 on Blogspot. Click the link for past updates.

I am a self-proclaimed, semi-professional procrastinator that doubles as an pop-culture guru. Am I completely renarded? Perhaps. Is renarded a word that I invented on urban dictionary? It is. Do I believe that the fart and dart is a fragrant work of art? I do. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, but a character reference to help me explain more about myself. I am a professional procrastinator by day, pop-culture enthusiast by night, a full-time participant of human life, and the World’s Most Average Dad every single second of every day.  Although I do not have my doctorate, I have been known to refer to myself as Professor Procrastination. After thirty-some years of laziness, I felt as if I deserved a PhD in Pudwhacking. But before the transformation into the super-lazy human that I’ve become, I was once a normal kid with dreams and hopes like everyone else in the world. This is that story:

Years ago the Earth was a molten mass…time passed on…some time in the 1970s a man met a woman…then in late March of 1978, a baby, who would be later be the man named Jesse Thomas, was born.  At one day old, he shortened his name to J.T.  But, nobody ever called him that.  By the age of 9 and 1/2, he learned to walk.  By the age of 17, he rode his first bicycle.  High school came and went. He learned. He dropped out of college after 1 semester to join the fast food work force. French fry grease caused him to forget everything he ever learned.   He flourished working at mundane employment opportunities and faded away for many years. Later on, he tried college again.  This time, he was granted a B.A. in English after a short stint in a community college that led to a 3 year journey at a liberal arts college in Iowa.  Yes, Iowa, the cow filled state of zero opportunity.  It is believed the educators gave him a sympathy degree to get him off their property. Eventually, it worked, but only after the maintenance crew tore down his tent on the green space. While at college, this young man, who was much much older than the other students, joined a fraternity of brotherhood, drank more Captain Morgan than any one man should, attempted to do 30 shots for his 30th birthday (he is still unsure if he reached that goal…but his liver believes he did), and may have been molested by a goat.  Then, at the tender age of 30 years 3 months and 22 days, he tricked a member of the opposite sex to have sexual intercourse with him. Finally, he was man. The next day, he had his first hair on his chest, and then 9 short months for him (9 very agonizing and terribly long months for the mother), his daughter was born.  Finally, someone with the same intelligence level is in his life. The daughter grew and learned more and more. At the age of two, she surpassed her father’s maturity level, and by the age of three, she exceeded his intelligence level.

In 2007 at the dawn of the creation of the Procrastinator’s Point for the A&E section of his college newspaper, an alter-ego spawned  for J.T. The Point (as it has been shortened to within 15 minutes of naming it) was an op-ed area where he ranted about whatever was keeping him from his homework. Video games, movies, television, mainstream news, sports, the internet, anything was fair game to be chastised.  By his graduation in 2009, he felt a change in his personality. Only so much pop-culture can be absorbed before the person melds into a caricature of who they once were.  J.T. meshed with television personalities and movie characters. At this time, J.T. referred to himself as a professional procrastinator (which he eventually shortened to “ProPro”), wore jogging pants to church, ate Cheetos off his chest while drinking a Dr. Pepper from a crazy-straw sitting on the floor next to him, and felt the need to spread his mantra, “Laziness at its best.”  Since the glory days of print media had slowly faded away for the digital age, not to mention that his college would no longer let him write articles after forcing him off of their green space and no self-respecting media outlet would want to print his ramblings, he decided his witty humor that was unknown by so many (and in contention about ever existing) should be available to the world. By continuing his unwanted writing, J.T. proved that the terrorists already won.  Still, he insisted that the Procrastinator’s Point had to be moved to the next logical level…self-publishing a free blog account that has less than ten followers.

Years from now, people will ask, “Was he a lazy couch potato or was he the most awe-inspiring, mind-blowing wizard of today’s entertainment world?” He likes to think that he’s the perfect mixture of both. But only his dedicated fan base can truly decide the inevitable fate of overwhelming awesomeness or a simple destiny of mundane mind-blowing perplexity. He continues to write while no one reads, but his hobby keeps him from doing anything productive in life. This was the final step in the transformation to invent his lethargic alter-ego, Professor Procrastination. Keep tuning in to read these nonsensical bewildering testimonials of a dedicated nincompoop and the kooky ramblings of a blithering buffoon, and see where all those zany adventures take this harebrained fool while resting on the couch.
So, thus is the story of J.T./Professor Procrastination as written in the book of life so far.
Your time is appreciated for reading this blog. Be sure to follow the Procrastinator’s Point V2. and like us on Facebook. Also, you can follow J.T. on Twitter! In the words of Apu, “Thank you. Come again.”

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